Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Paragraph Rewrite

     When my Uncle John told me about the fish he has kept in terrariums, it felt like an important conversation and he looked at me straight on. This is unlike the way fish see; they have eyes that can see above them and all around. The life and habits of fish are fascinating. They eat plants and also other fish. Some like light and stay close to the top of lakes or oceans, while others swim at the bottom of the sea looking for something to eat in the sand or behind the rocks. Because of my Uncle John's devotion to his terrariums, I love studying fish. 

In my reorganization, I decided to start with the personal information to catch the reader's attention. I think that a reader could connect more to a story about inspiration and love, and all the facts about the lives of fish would be more interesting after that. I also thought it was a kind of joke, because looking at someone "straight on" can indicate a serious conversation and also introduce the difference between the way fish and humans see physically. I added "The life and habits of fish are fascinating" to explain and connect the observations about fish. Then, in the conclusion sentence, I returned to Uncle John to give it an ending.

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