Paragraph Rewrite

     When my Uncle John told me about the fish he has kept in terrariums, it felt like an important conversation and he looked at me straight on. This is unlike the way fish see; they have eyes that can see above them and all around. The life and habits of fish are fascinating. They eat plants and also other fish. Some like light and stay close to the top of lakes or oceans, while others swim at the bottom of the sea looking for something to eat in the sand or behind the rocks. Because of my Uncle John's devotion to his terrariums, I love studying fish. 

In my reorganization, I decided to start with the personal information to catch the reader's attention. I think that a reader could connect more to a story about inspiration and love, and all the facts about the lives of fish would be more interesting after that. I also thought it was a kind of joke, because looking at someone "straight on" can indicate a serious conversation and also introduce the difference between the way fish and humans see physically. I added "The life and habits of fish are fascinating" to explain and connect the observations about fish. Then, in the conclusion sentence, I returned to Uncle John to give it an ending.

paragraph rewrite

    Fish have eyes that can see above them and all around. My Uncle Jon tole me all about the fish he has kept in terrariums. They eat plants and other fish. Some like light and stay close to top of the lakes or oceans,while some swim at the bottom of the sea looking for something to eat in the sand or hide behind rocks. They just not look straight on as we look at the world and other people. Especially, other people when we want to have an important conversation like the one that I had with my Uncle John. I like to study fish.

    We changed the order of the paragraph and we grabbed the main idea turned it to be an introduction. Then we gave the details and the conclusion. We combined some short sentences into a compound sentence. We separated a run-on sentence made it simple and clear.

One paragraph writing - Dahyun/Fiona

              As we all know fish not only eat plants but also eat other fish. Generally some like light and stay close to the top of lakes or oceans and the others like swim at the bottom of the sea in order to looking for something to eat. Fish have eyes, which can see above them and all around, but it is not like us. Especially if we want to focus on something, we can’t concentrate like fish. Therefore I had with my Uncle John who told me all about the fish he kept in terrariums. That makes me obsessed with the fish.

             In our reorganization, we added verbs and conjunctions so that change the short sentences to long sentences which have wrong order. That will be attracting your attention and we also changed boring vocabulary.

Assignment- Street Style Second Draft

Develop your descriptive paragraphs into a more formal essay on street style.

Add an introduction and a conclusion paragraph. Add topic sentences and transitions to the body of your essay. 

Introduction:

• Introduce the purpose of your writing.
• Try to catch the reader's attention.
• Briefly introduce the three images you will describe and make connections between them.

Conclusion:

• Summarize your ideas.
• Leave the reader with something to think about.
• Give your overall opinion on the styles presented.

Form:

• Include your name, date, class, and assignment on the top left.
• 12 pt. font
• double space
• indent with the 'tab' button for each paragraph
• embed images in your text
• include the source of your images

Assignment: Street Style

What street styles catch your attention? How do you describe what people are wearing?

First draft due: Friday Feb. 6 - PRINTED! 

Choose three photographs of people sporting arresting, stunning, hard core, spunky, casual, sophisticated or other style clothing. If you took your own photos - great! If not, go to streetpeeper.com and choose three.

Write one paragraph for each photograph. In each paragraph you should:

• describe the clothes and style in detail
• give your opinion
• use at least three vocabulary words from the list 
• have 8-12 sentences
• include an introduction sentence with identifying information and/or main idea
• include a concluding sentence

Try to add words and expressions to make your writing more engaging. You can try:

• new adjectives
• metaphors
• emotional qualities
• personal stories
• historical references
• more complex sentence structures